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Sunday, October 5th, 2014

Emma Watson’s Visit to Israel&Gaza ; “So, Who the Hell is Qoheleth?”

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage.

  1. “Emma Watson’s Visit to Israel and Gaza” is a work-in-progress Real Person fiction screenplay which aims to bring Shalom to the turbulent Gaza Strip/Israel border:

    Waitress: I hope you’re having a good time, ah…

    EmWatson: Emma… Emma Watson!

    Waitress: Oh! I heard about you, naturally. Are you gonna threaten me with a wand? Heh!

    EmWatson: A wand… yes, the bane of my existence. I’m thinking of collecting money for a public campaign to convert the weapon most associated with me to something more menacing.

    Waitress: Don’t you have enough money for that?

    EmWatson: No, not enough! Heh. And money isn’t everything.

    Waitress: So you’re not playing in films for money?

    EmWatson: Playing in films for money? Of course not! What a preposterous idea.

    Waitress: Ah, nice.

    EmWatson: I’m playing in films for a shitload of money!

  2. “So, who the Hell is Qoheleth?” - is a new illustrated screenplay that tells what I imagine to have happened to the author of the Biblical book of Ecclesiastes / Qoheleth shortly after he has written it. The timing is appropriate because Ecclesiastes is being read during the upcoming Sukkot Jewish holiday.

    Josephus: Anyway, can you share some details about your trip? I never ventured a long way past Damascus.

    Athena: Sure! It was very interesting. Most interesting.

    Athena: We travelled with our own people and some Greek merchants, all the way to Athens, and there we hitchhiked a ride with some Assyrian merchants, hoping it will get us closer to Alexandria. There were some guards escorting us, and at one point they disarmed us and threatened us at sword’s point to have sex with them or else they'll kill us and take all our possessions.

    Josephus: Wow! Rape. So what did you do?

    Athena: Well, we consulted between ourselves and after a long while of being really scared, we calmed down a little, and decided that if we are forced to have sex, we might as well cooperate and try to enjoy it. So we told them that we’ll do it willingly and they agreed.

    Josephus: How clever of you! And then what happened.

    Athena: Well, the three of us and her lover each found their own part of the woods, and we had sex. Then, after one or two times, the three men all lost stamina, while we were not completely satisfied and cried for more!

    [ Josephus laughs. ]

    Alexis: Yes! Then we heard each other’s cries and we gathered at one place together still naked with our clothes as cover, and we bitched about the whole situation - in Greek - and the men stood there ashamed.

    Athena: Yes! Anyway, we continued as couples throughout the trip and the men got better in love making as time went by, and they also taught us a little Aramaic. Then we arrived at the junction - they wanted to go to Assyria, and we wanted to head more south, and then all the 6 of us were completely emotional and offered each other to escort them on the way, so we won’t part, but we eventually cared enough about the others to let them go on their own way.

    Josephus: Wow! That sounds like love.

    Athena: Love! Yes! That’s the word. Eros in action.

  3. A new essay A #SummerNSA’s Reading has been added for summarising the concentrated “#SummerNSA” / Summerschool at the NSA effort during the summer of 2014.

  4. There are new factoids in the Facts Collection:

    “Talk Like a Pirate Day” is the only day of the year when Chuck Norris only talks like a pirate, and does not actually act like one.

    On Yom Kippur (= the Jewish Day of Atonement), Chuck Norris forgives God for his sins.

    Chuck Norris once refactored a 10 million lines C++ program and was done by lunch time. It then took Summer Glau 5 minutes to write the equivalent Perl 10-liner.

  5. There are some new captioned images and aphorisms:

    Every mighty Klingon warrior has Watched Sesame Street

    Every Mighty Klingon warrior has watched Sesame Street!

  6. The screenplay Buffy: A Few Good Slayers has some new scenes:

    [ Faith is teaching Becky and the rest of the class how to throw knives. ]

    Faith: Becky, it’s nice that you hit the mark three times in succession, but you’re not always holding the knife correctly.

    Becky: OK, Ms. Harris. Can you show me how to do that again? [She prepares her phone.]

    Faith: OK, here goes.

    [ Cut to the bullseye - three knives hit it quickly. ]

    Faith: How´s that?

    Becky: That’s very nice, but as my mobile‘s video demonstrates, you didn’t hold the knife “correctly” (in quotes) once.

    Faith: Let me see. [She watches the video.] Oh crap.

    Faith: Becky, Becky… you have a lot of potential. You’re more than a pretty face.

    Becky: Heh, I knew that I have potential, but do you really think I have a pretty face?

    Faith: If my opinion as a straight, married, woman, matters, I think you do.

    Becky: Thanks, Ms. Harris.

    Faith: OK, class dismissed. Please try to practise at your free time, we’re going to have a test soon.

    [ The students rise up and leave. ]

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Sunday, September 7th, 2014

Muppets ; Emma Watson Tech Interview ; New Aphorisms and Factoids

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage.

  1. The set of screenplays “The Muppet Show: The Next Incarnation” is me taking the initiative for writing screenplays for a new incarnation of The Muppet Show. Currently, there’s a mostly complete episode with Chuck Norris and Summer Glau as two ruthless Grammar Nazis, another incomplete episode hosting some of the characters of Harry Potter, and a preliminary-stages episode with Jennifer Lawrence (crossing Silver Linings Playbook, The Hunger Games, and her personal life).

    “Meet Chuck”

    [ The Muppet Show Theatre backstage. Kermit and Fozzy are there.

    ChuckN enters through the door. ]

    Kermit: Oh hello, Mr. Norris. We’re so glad to have you here, and we would love to learn more about you.

    ChuckN: Thank you, Kermit. You can learn more about me from my 500-page autobiography, which took me an hour to write, and from the comprehensive book of Factoids about me, of which I wrote every one.

    Fozzy: Funny! Funny!

    ChuckN: Indeed. Anyway, I invited a friend of mine, who is even crazier than I am, to join us.

    Kermit: Really, who is this crazy guy?

    ChuckN: Actually, it’s a crazy girl.

    [ SGlau jumps from above the frame to the upper row and then down to where Kermit and Fozzy are standing. Applause. She is wearing a grey, military-style vest with a zipper at the front. ]

    Kermit: Oh, nice to see you here, Ms. Glau.

    SGlau: Shut up, Mr. Frog! I’m here on a mission from the Grammar God. Herr Norris and I are loyal servants of Grammar Nazism, which aims to unite Grammar Europe under the reign of the Third Grammar Reich.

    ChuckN and SGlau: [in unison] Hail Grammar!

    [ Miss Piggy is walking along the upper row with a fellow pig. ]

    Miss Piggy: Well, I don’t think that Miss Mousy is prettier than me.

    [ A shot sounds and Miss Piggy's hat is blown away. Cut to SGlau, who is holding a gun in her left hand. ]

    SGlau: That was a warning shot, Fräulein Piggy. For your information, it should be “is prettier than I”.

    ChuckN and SGlau: [in unison] Hail Grammar!

    SGlau: Let’s go.

    SGlau: By the way, herr Frog: it is not that hard to be green.

    [ They go out of the frame. ]

    Kermit: Meep. I have a bad feeling about all that.

  2. “Emma Watson getting interviewed for a software developer job”: there is now an ongoing campaign to make that bit CC-by, so please pledge money if possible. Furthermore, I started adding a “What other people are saying” section:

    • «I would not hire Emma Watson. She’d be good for employee morale, but she’d also be too distracting.» - osoleve on Freenode’s ##programming.

    • «I think we would hire Emma Watson on looks alone. :)» — glange on Freenode’s #objectivism.

  3. There are several new aphorisms (some along with captioned images) in the Aphorisms and Quotes page. One of them is «A woman is a lady even if she is or was a porn actress or a prostitute. Treat her with respect, be honest to her — be a gentleman.», which is relevant to the recent celebrity photo leak.

  4. There are new humorous facts in the collection of factoids:

    • Emma Watson does not have 10 years of experience in developing Enterprise Java software. However, she has over 10 years of experience in getting shit done - well, on schedule, and at a reasonable cost.

    • Chuck Norris has 99 problems including a bitch. Summer Glau has exactly 98 problems.

    • Xena the Warrior Princess has not met Chuck Norris yet, or otherwise he would have been badly and permanently injured. (Inspired by ZadYree).

  5. There’s a new collection of fortune cookies with quotes from the sitcom The Big Bang Theory.

  6. There are also new quotes in the Fortune Cookie/Quote collection:

    • rindolf: thecha: hi, what's up?
    • thecha: not much. I am running my trisquel gnu/linux from an usb now
    • thecha: and you?
    • rindolf: thecha: I've been redditting and twittering.
    • rindolf: thecha: and I went on a walk now.
    • pulse: hi rindolf
    • rindolf: thecha: I met a father with two children. he scolded them.
    • rindolf: thecha: I asked him for their names and he said "why does it matter?" :-(
    • rindolf: pulse: hi.
    • rindolf: I also saw a lady sitting on a bench with two Pekinese dogs - one male and one female.
    • rindolf: they barked at me.
    • rindolf: Maybe she was afraid of me (their owner I mean).
    • ezrios: dogs bark at everything
    • rindolf: I also saw some bird watchers in the park earlier in the morning.
    • rindolf: ezrios: some dogs are amazingly calm.
    • rindolf: ezrios: I once met a huge Caucasian Shepherd dog who was less than one years old and called "Rambo" who was super-calm.
    • rindolf: His owner was also very friendly.
    • ezrios: a super-calm Rambo eh
    • epitamizor: cool story bro
    • rindolf: They say the dog and its owner resemble each other.
    • rindolf: epitamizor: every story is cool with the right attitude.
    • rindolf: epitamizor: http://www.reddit.com/r/TMNT/comments/2d9fo7/postrelease_movie_discussion_thread_2/ck3khga - see this.
    • rindolf: ezrios: yes , amazing.
    • rindolf: ezrios: Rambo was the epitome of a tough all powerful super-muscular anti-geeky warrior/action-hero.
    • rindolf: ezrios: but the fact of the matter is that the best combat warriors in the world are: 1. Not very muscular. 2. Geeks.
    • rindolf: http://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/philosophy/putting-all-cards-on-the-table-2013/DocBook5/putting-all-cards-on-the-table-2013/best_warriors.html
    • thecha: ok i will try
    • thecha: the dog probably ws being agressive because the owners mood was affecting him
    • thecha: the owner probably was being hostile so the dog followed suit
    • thecha: and the guy with the kids should have just said the names isntead of being a dick about it
    • thecha: you go for walks often?
    • rindolf: thecha: yes, I go for walks a lot.
    • rindolf: thecha: yes, this father should learn some things after fatherhood.
    • rindolf: thecha: the children were nice.
    • rindolf: Oh! and on the way upstairs there was a very young boy with a toy gun and I pretended to wage an imaginary war with him. He enjoyed it.
    • thecha: rindolf-> who won the imaginary shoot out?
    • rindolf: thecha: he did I think.
    • rindolf: thecha: I let him win.
    • rindolf: thecha: he seemed to have enjoyed it.
    • rindolf: thecha: children can be so smart.
    • pulse: i don't think age has anything to do with smartness
    • rindolf: thecha: and it helped brighten my day.
    • rindolf: pulse: yes.
    • rindolf: pulse: I have actually grown smarter with age.
    • pulse: i've grown wiser. not much smarter
    • rindolf: pulse: ah.
    • rindolf: pulse: what's your distinction?
    • rindolf: pulse: I've grown wiser too.
    • pulse: smart is the ability to calculate things fast
    • pulse: wise is the ability to live your life ;)
    • rindolf: pulse: there are more parameters to intelligence than doing fast calculations.
    • pulse: i guess there's certain correlation between the two
    • rindolf: pulse: yes.
    • pulse: i know. there's different types of intelligence
    • pulse: but most types boil down to two things. calculations and speed
    • rindolf: pulse: ah. IQ?
    • pulse: any kind of intelligence
    • pulse: IQ is a sort of generalization of all types
    • rindolf: pulse: see https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/495252148775436288 - «Forget #IQ! #Sloppy → #Confident → #Smart!! #TeamGrimmie #confidence #competence #PublishOrPerish»
    • pulse: but it's also stupid
    • pulse: rindolf, hmm
    • pulse: what am i supposed to see there :P
    • pulse: i still don't know how twitter works
    • pulse: what are those hashtags supposed to be
    • pyon: rindolf: Meh, sloppiness is just sloppiness.
    • pyon: rindolf: One can be flexible without lowering one's own standards.
    • thecha: rindolf you can't let the enemy win
    • rindolf: thecha: yes, bring the Delta Team with Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stalone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and.. Summer Glau (!♥:-)) against this boy.
    • rindolf: there shall be blood tonight!
    • ssta: you really are obsessed with this Summer Glau
  7. Navigation blocks, similar to the ones on Wikipedia (e.g: “Template:Star Trek” have been added to some of the pages (like here.

  8. I have a new Résumé as a writer and entertainer, which is very short.

  9. My essay “Putting all the Cards on the Table (2013)” has been updated and is now available in several different formats, including a one HTML-page-per-section document, an EPUB ebook, and a PDF file.

  10. My personal ad (= “I’m looking for a girlfriend”) was heavily updated - it’s currently in English only.

  11. Many new scenes have been added to the screenplay “Buffy - a Few Good Slayers”:

    With Buffy

    Becky: Of course, everyone knows that Buffy is better than Chuck [Buffy Facts]. He’s been secretly fighting against her, and so far has lost all of those battles.

    Cliff: Yeah, and her gaze can turn Medusa into stone!

    Chankey: Buffy Summers is not afraid of demons. Demons are afraid of her, and for a very good reason.

    Buffy’s voice: Buffy Summers is always there when people are spreading untrue hyperboles about her.

    Cliff: Oh, hello Ms. Summers.

    [ Buffy approaches them from a different aisle in the library. ]

    Buffy: Hello, kids.

    Cliff: By the way, what is your post-marriage name?

    Buffy: It’s “Summers”. Angel and I are both called that. He didn’t find his original family name usable in this day and age, so he adopted mine. His original name was very aristocratic, and he is actually a direct male descendent of Charlemagne.

    Becky: Ooh… so you are now Milady de Summers? Awesome!

    Buffy: Heh, well, it is Faith that has an unnatural obsession with Milady de Winter — not me.

    Buffy: In any case, for your information, I fought against Chuck Norris several times and lost all the battles. In fact, that was part of the catalyst that made us realise that slayers were only humans and that men can be equally as capable slayers as women. You will hopefully get a chance to meet and even fight against Mr. Norris sometime throughout the school year.

    Becky: I see. So, Ms. Summers, what are you doing here in the library?

    Buffy: I’m looking for a book I misplaced.

    Becky: About slaying?

    Buffy: No, about cooking. A cookbook from the late 60s with a nice spinach, Broccoli and cheese casserole.

    Becky: [Types a few things on the keyboard.] Ms. Summers, I was able to find a recipe for a casserole like that from that era.

    Buffy: Let me see. [Looks] Wow! Looks great. Becky, you've got a lot of potential as a slayer.

    Becky: Why, thank you!

    Cliff: Bleh! [He puts his head in his hands.]

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Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

Buffy - a Few Good Slayers; Summer Glau and Emma Watson Facts; and More

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage.

  1. Buffy - a Few Good Slayers is a new Buffy fanfic screenplay based in a forked branch of the Buffyverse.

    [ Text on the screen: Sunnydale High School Orientation Day ; Sunnydale ; California

    First few chords of Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The U.S.A”. Rebecca “Becky” Shepherd is shown walking in the high school lobby listening to the song playing from her smartphone that is tucked on her belt. She is wearing a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic shirt, and has a name tag that reads "Rebecca Shepherd (Slayer)". ]

    Cliff: Yo, Brony girl, stop!

    Becky: Hey, sorry for not paying attention [she pauses the music]. What’s up?

    Cliff: Chankey here [points at Chankey] and I are looking for a slayer to complete our team. You don’t seem exactly like slayer-material, but since all the other slayers we talked with were taken, I guess we should settle on you.

    [ Becky smiles. ]

    Becky: Sure, I’d love to be team with you. Let’s register.

    [ She uses her smartphone to register. ]

    Becky: OK, done.

    Chankey: [in an English accent] Smashing!

    Becky: Chankey, is it? Are you British?

    Chankey: Yes, Miss Shepherd.

    Becky: “Becky” please.

    Chankey: Yes, well, I am of Indian descent and carry an Indian name. I have photographic memory, and did extremely well in my studies. I was supposed to start studying in Harrow School (the notorious public school, or what you Americans will call a “private school”) because I had many friends there, but then became aware of some demonic activity in Greater London, and was indoctrinated as a watcher-wannabe here.

    Chankey: I don’t have any friends here.

    Becky: [Grabbing his hand.] I’m sure you’ll make some.

    Chankey: Yes.

  2. There are new pages with some factoids about Summer Glau and with factoids about Emma Watson:

    • Summer Glau does not have to hurt you if she doesn't want to. Chuck Norris kills everyone in sight.

    • Summer Glau can lead a horse to water, and then it will drink out of its own volition.

    Some photos were also added to the facts pages to spice them up.

  3. There’s a new feature about “Emma Watson getting interviewed for a software developer job”.

  4. How to Get Help Online is a new feature about where and how to get help online. It has a 2014 edition.

  5. “Why I Do Not Trust Non-open-source Software”

  6. Page about the new “Back to my Homepage” logo

  7. The old page, “Stop Using Internet Explorer!” now has a note as being deprecated and a page with some essential updates

  8. There are now EPUB versions of the screenplays for free and direct downloading or viewing. Share and enjoy!

  9. I added the section about Rindolf “Aim Very High” Hitlower:

    Not only is Rindolf an evil Reindeer but he is the notorious insane tyrant and mass-murderer, Rindolf “Aim Very High” Hitlower. As you may have guessed, people said that my nickname “Rindolf” reminded them of “Adolf Hitler”, and even though I was offended by it for a long time, I eventually decided to take it to my advantage too. Recently (Late June, 2014) I’ve told people that I decided that in my personal and professional life, I will aim very high in the hope that I will hit the aim or perhaps a little lower, and so settled on this nickname.

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Friday, April 26th, 2013

New Story: The Earth Angel; Soviet reversal jokes; new text in The Pope and in Selina Mandrake; “Put

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage.

  1. There is a new story titled The Earth Angel which I have started to write:

    Dr. Alan Stein (Attn.) had not seen that side of Samantha before. As they sat there in the Chinese restaurant, two days before Ari, their system administrator, left for a trip to Israel, Samantha was emitting a lot of profanity, and sharing her frustrations of her life and the world. Dr. Stein was beginning to regret the fact that he had agreed to comply with Ari’s wishes, and invite her to lunch with them.

    Samantha Rodriguez was the newest hire at Alan’s law firm - a brilliant attorney in her early thirties, who looked great, was always groomed, and got a lot of work done, despite the fact that she almost never stayed overtime, and also took many days off. One fly in the ointment was the fact that she was single, sexy, and kept asking her co-workers out on dates, or accepting their own invitations. As much as Dr. Stein agreed that she had been a good hire, he was desperately trying to avoid interacting with her.

    “Anyway, I ended up telling my friend, Jasmine, who can be a real bitch sometimes, to fuck off, and deal with her troubled life herself. I simply ran out of patience.” she said.

    “Bravo!” Ari said while clapping his hands. “By the way, Samantha, how did you become a lawyer?”

    “Oh, that's a long story.” she said while playing with her fork.

    “And we’ve got time to hear it, right Mr. Stein?”

    “Yes, I guess we do.” Dr. Stein answered.

    “Well, I studied Linguistics as my B.A.,” Samantha said “and by the time I graduated, my head was filled with vocabulary, and to a lesser extent - grammatical rules, my heart was broken from many heartbreaks, and I didn’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I ended up narrowing it to three options: 1. Find a paying job - as a programmer or whatever else I could land. 2. Stay in the academia, studying for a Masters and/or a Ph.D. and — 3. Go to law school. I figured out fucking Med School was never my thing.”

    “Anyway, after consulting it with my friends, I became even less capable of knowing what to do. So I did the logical thing - I rolled a die.”

    “A die?” Ari said.

    “Yes, a ten-sided die or a 1d10 in role-playing game parlance. That’s usually what I use. It landed on the law school option, so that’s what I decided to pursue.” Samantha said.

    “So, you placed your fate in the hand of chance?” Ari asked

    “Yes, I did. Nothing wrong with doing that, if you ask me.”

    “Well, everyone say you are an excellent attorney.” Ari noted.

    “So they do.” Samantha said, “Maybe they are right.”

  2. The translation of the already written part of my story, The Pope Died on Sunday is now complete:

    Rachel contemplated how to start the conversation.

    “So how did you become an infrastructures engineer?” Rachel asked.

    “Well, ever since I was young, I wanted to be a plumber.” Greg replied.

    “A plumber? Seriously?” Rachel said with astonishment.

    “Yes. Very strange, but what can I do — that is what I wanted to be.” Greg said, “I spent a large part of the summer vacations being an apprentice for plumbers and enjoyed every moment. Anyway, after I graduated from high school, I was planning to go through a plumbing training course and to get my qualification. But my father approached me and told me: ‘Greg, my son, I have, thank God, enough money so you study what you want in university. So why not exploit that? If you want, you can become a plumber who graduated from university.’”

    And he went on: “So I agreed with him, but decided to study the closest thing to plumbing: civil engineering with a specialisation in the engineering of water and sewerage infrastructures. And surprisingly I realised that a large part of it was quite interesting.”

    “So did you become a qualified plumber eventually?” Rachel queried.

    “Yes, I passed the course. But I still got a Bachelor’s degree in civil engineering and that’s what I prefer to do.”

    “Hmmm…” Rachel said “Finding a good plumber in this day and age, to say nothing of one who is a university graduate, is hard.”

    “Well, I cannot testify that I’m a good plumber. A person cannot testify for his own qualities.” Greg replied.

    “Well, even a bad plumber is good enough for certain needs.” said Rachel and witnessed Greg bursting into laughter.

  3. There are some new or extended scenes in Selina Mandrake - The Slayer:

    [ Selina is sitting next to her computer at home with Firefox browsing the Hebrew Wikipedia. She keeps highlighting words and hovering over them to find translations using a Firefox extension.

    There is a signal, and the Pidgin icon in the status bar starts blinking. Selina clicks it. ]

    Mosheh Ben-Amram: [on IM] Hello, Selina! How are you doing, today?

    Selina: I’m fine. Trying to contribute to the Hebrew Wikipedia. These Affixes are driving me crazy.

    Mosheh Ben-Amram: Heh, עברית קשה שפה, but there are worse.

    Mosheh Ben-Amram: האם את מדברת עברית? [= “Do you speak Hebrew?”]

    Selina: Qtsath, or as new speakers will say Qetsath. Heh.

    Mosheh Ben-Amram: Yes, one of the first words you have to learn to say, and it’s already a Shibboleth.

    Selina: Emeth. [= "True."]

    Selina: BTW, are you actually Mosheh Ben-Amram (= Moses) the Hebrew prophet?

    Mosheh Ben-Amram: I won’t deny that I am.

    Selina: Hah!

  4. I added a page of “In Soviet Russia” factoids:

    • In Soviet Russia, cats own you. No, wait! Cats own you everywhere.

    • In Soviet Russia, superstition believe in you. (Sawyer X)

    • In Soviet Russia, food tastes YOU! (Leuthihi)

  5. “Freecell Solver Enterprises™ Acquires Google Inc.” - a breaking news story published on 1 April 2013:

    1 April, 2013, Tel Aviv, Israel: Due to the spectacular commercial success of Freecell Solver Enterprises™’s Enterprise Edition and its Webscale™ edition, we have amassed quite a bit of cash in the bank, so we decided to make a small but important strategical acquisition. As a result, Freecell Solver Enterprises™ is proud to announce its upcoming acquisition of Google Inc., which will result in an exciting synergic merger.

    Some of the upcoming changes would be replacing Google’s tech support (which is notoriously bad) by Freecell Solver Enterprises™’s world-famous and superb tech support (as detailed in the essay “Seven steps to remarkable customer service” by Joel on Software), as well as integrating Google search into Freecell Solver™ for an enhanced experience in solving Freecell. We are also planning on creating a separate YouTube top-level category for card Solitaire-related videos (including screencasts and presentations).

    Another one is “Announcing New Israeli Usergroups”.

  6. There are some new sections in my essay “Putting all the Cards on the Table (2013)”:

    During the Middle Ages, the apprentices of craftsmen graduated to become masters, and started their own shops, at a much younger age than 18. Today, most people graduate from high school at that age, and are expected to remain disadvantaged until then. There isn’t a good reason why the youth of today should not be able to make useful contributions to arts, sciences, philosophy, and entertainment, despite their young age and inexperience.

    Here are some examples:

    1. Dmitri Gaskin is a core developer of both jQuery and Drupal and gave a talk about jQuery on Google Tech Talks, while being 12 years old.

    2. Maria Aragon was 10 years old when she was recorded performing a cover of Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way”, which has received over 50 million views on YouTube as of April 2013 (and which I like better than the original).

    3. Much previously, Samantha Smith changed the fate of the cold war, when being 10 years old, by the simple act of writing a letter.

    4. In the 18th century, Carl Friedrich Gauss started making important contributions to mathematics from a very early age.

    Our contemporary culture sort of expects kids (what Americans refer to as children, “pre-teens”, and “teenagers”) to remain “innocent”, naïve and inexperienced, and immature, and, as a result, most of them behave accordingly.

  7. The abstract to my yet unwritten novella “The Road to Heaven is Paved With Bad Attentions” is now partly translated to English.

  8. There are new quotes in the collection of Unix-like fortune cookies:

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”

    So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

  9. Many meaningful <meta name="description" /> tags were added to the pages to help with the descriptions in search engine results.

  10. I added a set of links to all the pages referring to my online presence elsewhere on the web, such as Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and Reddit.

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Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

New on Shlomi Fish’s Homepage: Summerschool at the NSA the screenplay + New Factoids

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage. This time, the highlight is some interesting new content.

  1. Summerschool at the NSA, subtitled “As the sling shoots, grown-up men will sob”, is a screenplay, which I completed and is in a usable condition. The Hollywood actresses Sarah Michelle Gellar (of Buffy fame) and Summer Glau (of xkcd notability) conspire to kick the ass of the NSA (= the United States government’s National Security Agency), while using special warfare that is completely non-violent:

    [ Black screen, SMG’s (= Sarah Michelle Gellar’s) voice, while emulating her daughter. ]

    SMG: Humpty dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty dumpty had a great fall. And all the King's horses, and all the King's men could not put Humpty together again.

    [ Screen showing SGlau (= Summer Glau) laughing. SMG and she are sitting at a diner together. ]

    SGlau: [Stops laughing.] Oh my God, Sarah, your daughter’s so smart.

    SMG: And… funny!

    SGlau: Yes. Well, what does she like aside from Mother Goose?

    SMG: Oh, she loves My Little Pony. She and I watch it almost every week together.

    SGlau: Wow, you're a pega-sister, too?

    SMG: I'm not addicted to My Little Pony. I swear! I can quit any time. Just let me watch one… more… episode. [giggles]

    SGlau: Hah, hah. For your information, my My Little Pony addicts’ support group meets every second and fourth Saturday of the month, and I am currently at step five of our twelve step program.

    SMG: Sounds like a plan. I'll consider joining.

  2. There are brand new factoids page of Clarissa Darling Facts (from the old Television show Clarissa Explains It All) as well as new Buffy facts and Chuck Norris facts in the factoids collection:

    • Tomorrow never dies, unless Chuck Norris volunteers to take it out of its misery.

    • The Chuck Norris of the Buffyverse, has been secretly training under Buffy’s supervision, and so far - lost every battle with her.

    • Clarissa Darling can start from “I think therefore I am” and prove that the grass is green, that there are about 365 days in a year, and that Isaac Newton formulated the Law of Gravitation back in 1687.

  3. I added a page about my nickname, “Rindolf” and its etymology, as well as about Rindolfism, which is my philosophy.

  4. There are some new quotes in the UNIX-like fortune cookies’ collections:

    I recall discussing Buffy with a Jewish American friend, who used to be secular, and now has become an observant Jew, and married a woman who properly converted to Orthodox Judaism, and they have some children. We discussed the fact that Sarah Michelle Gellar was Jewish, and yet that many men (and some Lesbian women) were more attracted to Alyson Hannigan’s character, Willow Rosenberg, who was a shy and sheepish, redhead, Jewess. Then when I mentioned that Hannigan was only a maternal Jew, he said she is “kosher” (because someone whose mother is Jewish and who did not convert to a different religion, is a bona-fide Jew). I found it amusing that you refer to women by the same word as you do to food, but I think the ancient Hebrew word "kasher" also means "approved", "appropriate", "legal", etc.

    In any case, both Hannigan and Gellar are now married, and so trying to separate between them and their husbands is not kosher. ;-)

  5. Finally, the main navigation menu sports a new and more usable CSS style thanks to the great work of Joe Crawford. Thanks, Joe!

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Saturday, March 23rd, 2013

New on Shlomi Fish’s Homepage: Selina Mandrake, NSA/Buffy/Chuck Norris facts, Yachar's Music

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage. This time, the highlight is a lot of interesting new content.

  1. I have started writing a comprehensive essay titled “Putting all the Cards on the Table (2013)”, which is also syndicated as a blog post on my Unarmed but Still Dangerous blog. Here is the abstract for it:

    What is the problem with the Technion and why is it graver in M.I.T., and why you should watch the film Silver Linings Playbook to realise why it's not a problem? Why was the David who fought Goliath a hacker, and what is the difference between a tragic hero and an action hero? What was the second major battle that Chuck Norris lost? What are the machines that can give us questions (and lots of them)? Why not exerting a mental effort will make matters go from bad to worse? Who was the Jennifer Lawrence of Web 1.0? And what were my two greatest mistakes, which you should not duplicate?

    I got tired of truly intellectual people like me speaking in riddles all the time and kinda lying to themselves and to others in their artworks, and hiding a lot of what they know, so I decided to put all the cards I have now on the table in a big tour-de-force. It's not finished yet, but still usable, and there's more to come. Not a perfect essay, and not for everyone, but imperfect and sweet.

  2. There is an ongoing English translation of my old and incomplete story “The Pope Died on Sunday”.

  3. Much more text has been added to Selina Mandrake - The Slayer (a Buffy parody) and it is now in a usable condition:

    [ There are three young men dressed as Klingons who fight with Bat’leth in the park. Selina is passing by and shakes her head in disapproval. The three notice Selina, and quickly run to her. ]

    Warrior #1: Hail The Slayer, we are but your humble slaves!

    Selina: [Shocked] And who might you be?

    Warrior #1: We are The Three - three vampire brother warriors, who have been fighting since the dawn of time.

    Selina: And you are Klingons…

    Warrior #2: We can assume any form.

    Warrior #1: Yes, we can fight using any weapon, and we are masters of them all.

    Selina: so you can fight with something that’s not a Bat’leth?

    Warrior #1: Of course, for example, we could fight using the Huge Sword!

    Warrior #2 and Warrior #3: Yeah, the Huge Sword!

    The Three: [in unison] Huge Sword!

    [ Warrior #1 snaps his fingers, and some of these ridiculously large swords from World of Warcraft appear on the ground. ]

    Selina: Wow, can you fight using them?

    The Three: [non-dramatically] Eh, eh, we cannot lift them.

    Selina: Guess not. [Puts her palm on her eyes.] Maybe try something smaller and not as heavy.

  4. In addition, there are many enhancements to the section of the page, including a page about who I think should play the characters in the screenplay, and an Ebook available for purchase.

  5. There are two new pages with facts about people and things:

    1. NSA Facts - about the United States’ National Security Agency:

      • The NSA knows what you did last summer. But no one, in the NSA or outside it, knows why they should.

      • The more the NSA think, the less they want to be able to think. So they think less and less.

      • First the NSA ignores “silly” Internet memes, then they laugh at them, then they are unable to fight them, and then they lose.

    2. Facts about Buffy Summers from the Television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

      • Buffy will always find a wooden stake to slay vampires, even if it means she will have travelled 100 years back in time, to plant a tree nearby.

    Extra additions to these or other collections of facts would be welcome.

  6. There's a mirrored bit Freecell Solver™ Goes Webscale.

  7. I have placed Yachar’s old music from Jamendo.com on my homepage, because they appear to have been removed from Jamendo.

  8. There’s a new page with a partial list of some of my favourite online musicians.

  9. The Chuck Norris Facts page contains more facts and translations of some of the facts to Hebrew:

    • Chuck Norris helps the gods that help themselves.

    • Chuck Norris can make East and West meet.

  10. There's a section of reception on the front page of the essay The Eternal Jew with a combined captioned image/meme.

  11. I have placed the sources for the stories and screenplays in self-contained distributed version control repositories (DVCS) - mostly on my GitHub account, and they contain mostly self-contained build systems. You can find links to their repositories on their appropriate pages.

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Friday, December 28th, 2012

What’s New on Shlomi Fish’s Homepage

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage. Most of the work this time was done on the look, feel, and infrastructure of the site, such as the navigation menus, but there is still some new (and hopefully interesting) content. So without further ado, here is what is new:

  1. The main navigation menu to the right now comprises of most of the pages that were navigable and previously were present only in the section navigation menus. Since its HTML markup was quite excessive, I decided to load most of the content using an AJAX (= “Asyncrhonous JavaScript And XML” or “XMLHTTPRequest”) fetch of a JSON document, while keeping a smaller subset still usable as plain HTML for browsers with JavaScript disabled and for search engines and other web user agents.

    I made sure that the expansion state of the navigation menu is preserved between the pages. Moreover, the much maligned section navigation menus are now hidden by default, but can be enabled using the button and should remember their state between pages.

  2. There is a new HTML Tutorial in Hebrew under work. Currently, there is only one section, and some aspects of it are lacking.

  3. There is a new list of text processing tools and a list of networking clients in the software resources section.

  4. I added new quotes to the fortune cookies collection:

    • Yaakov: I LOVE YOU ALL WITH A GREAT HUGE LOVE
    • rindolf: Yaakov: HOW MUCH DOES YOUR GREAT HUGE LOVE COST?
    • Yaakov: It's on offer half price today.
    • rindolf: Yaakov: I WILL OFFER YOU 200,000 VIRTUAL DOLLARS FOR YOUR GREAT HUGE LOVE.
    • Yaakov: The regular price is free of charge.
    • rindolf: Yaakov: oh nice.
    • * rindolf buys Yaakov's GREAT HUGE LOVE.
    • rindolf: I LOVE YOU ALL WITH YAAKOV'S GREAT HUGE LOVE.
  5. The third version of my essay “Open source, Free software, and Other Beasts” is now live. It was converted from DocBook 4 to DocBook 5 and greatly enhanced.

  6. Also new is the countdown program which is similar to the UNIX sleep command, only displays the amount of time remaining.

  7. There’s a new and open source solver for the so-called “Binary Puzzles”. It is still incomplete.

  8. There is a new geek song parody (under work) titled “Can I SCO Now?” sang to the music of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “Can I Go Now?”:

    Can I SCO now?
    Sue who you wanna sue,
    it doesn't matter anyhoo,
    it's time to litigate.
    Can I SCO Now?
    Say what you wanna say,
    we don't care anyway,
    we're going to inflate.

    Can I, can I, SCO now….

  9. I now mirror The Fountainhead’s parody “The Fountainhead Starring Skull Force”, whose original link went offline, but which I was able to find a mirror of. Enjoy.

  10. There are now a page with some links against Java and a page with some links against “SOAP”.

  11. Support for the MathJax JavaScript library was added to the pages in the MathVentures section enabling most modern JavaScript-enabled browsers to pretty view the mathematical formulae there.

  12. There are some new additions to the original Aphorisms and Quotes page:

    The English Wikipedia: now you don’t see it - now you do.

  13. I restored the display of the images in my “There are Too Many Ways to Do it” lightning talk.

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Friday, May 27th, 2011

Translations of Stories to Hebrew (For the Alternative Book Week)

shlomif

Here are the recent updates for Shlomi Fish’s Homepage. Most of these are ongoing translations of various English stories to Hebrew. These were done in preparation for the “Alternative Book Week” in Tel Aviv University (see its Facebook page). It is going to take place on Tuesday, 31 May 2011 between 09:30 and 16:30 in Tel Aviv University, next to the Gilman building, the department of Humanities. Several independent writers are going to read from their prose there, including me. You are welcome to attend, listen to the participating writers, and provide us with welcome support and input. Hope to see you there!

There’s a new joke in the aphorisms and quotes page:

In Soviet Russia, cats own you. No, wait! Cats own you everywhere.

I posted the first part of my Selena Mandrake - The Slayer screenplay to its place in FanFiction.net where one can rate it and post comments. There is some new text in the ideas for the future document.

I started preparing a Hebrew translation of my Humanity - The Movie screenplay.

There are two new fortunes in fortune collection.

We now mirror the web parody “Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?” (via Websurdity and Debunking 911).

The various screenplays in English in the stories section now have better capitalisation, punctuation and grammar, and their visual style was also improved. There are also many grammatical corrections to the story The Human Hacking Field Guide and a lot of progress was made in its Hebrew translation.

The XML-Grammar-Fiction page now contains coverage of Screenplay-Text and Screenplay-XML, as well as examples for the grammars and their outputs.

Enjoy!

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Friday, May 13th, 2011

“Selena Mandrake” and Improvements to Other Stories

shlomifish

Here is what’s new on Shlomi Fish’s Homepage since the last update. It’s been a month and there are many major changes.

A new work-in-progress screenplay titled Selena Mandrake - The Slayer can be found in the stories section. This is a supernatural dramedie, that is a parody/tribute/spin-off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and some other works of fiction and non-fiction. I have a pretty good roadmap for what I’d like to write there so I hope to get the first draft soon.

Selena: This reminds me. I really should update my Mandriva system at home. I have not in several days, now. And to think I originally had my friend Aaron install Mandrake Linux for me, because I thought it was cool that it was called the same as my last name.

Jessica: Heh, maybe you should become Selena Mandriva now.

Jonathan: Or Selena Mageia.

[ Selena bursts out laughing. ]

Selena: That sounds like a name of a vampire slayer… or a vampire.

Jonathan: Or both.

Selena: Yeah. I told you about how I was nicknamed “Puffy” and then “Buffy” during one summer camp, right?

Jessica: Yes, many times.

Selena: Yeah, I found it amusing at the time. For a while afterwards, I insisted that my friends call me “Buffy” until I realised it was silly, and reverted back to “Selena”.

I’ve also began translating the second version of my novella The Human Hacking Field Guide to Hebrew. One can find the ongoing Hebrew translation and its Fiction-Text source, under CC-by-sa - same licence as the English original. In addition, I can say that the story is being translated to Modern Standard Arabic in the OpenDocument format by an Egyptian enthusiast of open-source software, and more translations will be welcome.

In addition to all that, version 7 of my novella The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight It, in Hebrew and English, with many improvements is now available online. I especially would like to thank Miriam Erez Translations for providing some copy-editing work.

Moreover, I explicitly marked many of the the works of fiction on the site, the essays, and the software resources with a Creative Commons licence. Share and enjoy!

There are some style tweaks, I’ve documented the use of the EvilPHish emblem, and there are some new fortune cookies:

  • rindolf: Mithaldu: I think most contemporary T.V. kinda sucks.
  • rindolf: Mithaldu: it seems very phony.
  • Mithaldu: rindolf: same, i haven’t actually switched on my tv in five years
  • rindolf: I prefer a YouTube video of a kitten riding on a turtle.
  • rindolf: Mithaldu: :-)
  • Mithaldu: :D
  • rindolf: Mithaldu: yes.
  • rindolf: Mithaldu: there is one, BTW.
  • Mithaldu: oh i do not doubt that
  • rindolf: Don’t know if it’s authentic.
  • rindolf: I saw a friendly cat today, and he purred after I scratched his head.
  • rindolf: I like Friendly cats.
  • rindolf: I think lolcats are very subversive.
  • rindolf: Or were.
  • rindolf: “Ceiling cat is watching you”
  • Mithaldu: cats are the definition of subversive
  • Mithaldu: they adopt you
  • rindolf: Mithaldu: heh.
  • rindolf: In Soviet Russia, cats own you!
  • rindolf: In Soviet Russia, cats are your master!
  • rindolf: Well, in Soviet Russia and everywhere.
  • kent\n: rindolf: you got it backwards.
  • kent\n: In soviet russia, cats are actually your pets.
  • Mithaldu: hahaha
  • rindolf: kent\n: heh.
  • rindolf: kent\n++
  • rindolf: I feel better now.
  • rindolf: Empowered but calm.
  • rindolf: Thanks to the cats jokes.
  • Mithaldu: world healing by cat jokes
  • rindolf: Hopefully, I’ll sleep well tonight.
  • kent\n: Next on the agenda. DICK JOKES!
  • rindolf: Mithaldu: cats are good for healing I think.
  • rindolf: kent\n: NO!!!!!
  • kent\n: ( don’t worry, this won’t take long )
  • Mithaldu: yes, as long as you do not own cables
  • Mithaldu: kent\n: you mean it won’t BE very long
  • Mithaldu: hurr hurr
  • rindolf: kent\n: I’ve got 99 problems but kent\n ain’t one.
  • kent\n: ;)

Hope you enjoy the new stuff on the site and stay tuned for more.

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Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

New and Improved Stories, Screenplays, Aphorisms and Bits

shlomif

Here are the recent updates to Shlomi Fish’s Homepage since the last update. A long time has passed and there are many big and small changes, and I hope this summary will compensate for it.

There are new English and Hebrew versions of my story, The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight it, and some text was added to the front page. An even better version is currently being worked on in the Mercurial repository of the story.

There’s new text in the screenplay Star Trek: “We, the Living Dead”, in both parts of “The One with the Fountainhead” and in the Hebrew story “The Pope died on Sunday”:

[ Cut. End Credits. Phoebe is sitting on the coach reading the Fountainhead. ]

Phoebe: wow, I forgot how great the Fountainhead was. So what did Rand do afterwards?

Ross: well, she wrote the screenplay for the movie adaptation of the Book that starred Gary Copper…

Phoebe: oooh, yummy…

Ross: yes, well, and then she worked on Atlas Shrugged.

Phoebe: [in a lyrical fashion] “Atlas shrugged from side to side. ‘Alas, my end is near!’ the lady cried.”

Monica: ehmm… Pheebs? That’s “The mirror crack’d from side to side”.

Phoebe: oh! Ayn Rand wrote “The Mirror Crack’d” too?

Ross: no, Phoebe. That was Agatha Christie.

Phoebe: Oh! Everybody knows that Ayn Rand wrote all of Agatha Christie’s stories.

Chandler: [tongue-in-cheek]I can totally believe that, Pheebs.

After an almost complete lack of inspiration since its inception, there are now new Larry Wall Factoids:

Larry Wall does know all of Perl. However, he pretends to be wrong or misinformed, so people will think he’s not as awesome as he really is.

And as usual, there are also some new Chuck Norris Facts:

Chuck Norris once wrote a 10 million lines C++ program in Microsoft Notepad without having to use the backspace key. And it compiled without errors or warnings, and was 100% bug-free.

There’s now a script for displaying an individual quote of the UNIX-like fortune cookies with a random feature.

Speaking of fortune cookies, there are some new fortune cookies, and many of them have fixed typos:

Real programmers use a nice editor and a nice programming language and get it done in less than O(N!).

(Vanguard in Freenode’s ##programming)

Some of the aphorisms now have Hebrew translations:

אלהים נתן לנו שתי עיניים ועשר אצבעות, כדי שנקליד פי חמש יותר ממה שאנו קוראים.

Likewise, there’s now a Hebrew translation of “Ways to do it according to the programming languages of the world”:

  • Perl - יש יותר מדרך אחת לעשות זאת.
  • C++‎ - ישנן חמש דרכים לעשות זאת. שלוש מתוכן לא אמורות לעבוד.
  • Visual Basic - הדרך היחידה לעשות זאת היא להשתמש ברכיב צד שלישי.
  • ANSI C - יש, בדרך כלל, דרך אחת לעשות זאת, אבל יש יותר מדרך אחת לבצע אופטימיזציה.
  • Java - יש בקושי דרך אחת לעשות זאת. (אבל בניגוד ל-C++‎, היא בטוח תעבוד.)
  • Python - יש דרך אחת לעשות זאת. הדרך האחת האמיתית לעשות זאת. וישנן גם דרכים אחרות.

The funny bit “The S Stands for Simple” (about SOAP) is now mirrored on the site. I have also placed the stories by a writer by the name of Oded C. that he had sent me in the past (in Hebrew) on the site, and converted them to OpenDocument Text and to HTML using OpenOffice.org.

The Copyrights Page now spells out my interpretation of the various Creative Commons licences that I’m using:

The Public Domain / CC-Zero

If the work is marked as public domain, then you can freely redistribute it, modify it or build upon it, even without giving me credit. If you wish you may consider the work as licensed under the MIT/X11 licence, the CC-by licence (see below), or any other licence. What you cannot do is claim that you originated the original version, or sue me for any damages caused by using or misusing the information.

All of that put aside, if you find works under this licence useful, you are encouraged to credit me; share them under similar liberal licences; make a small donation, either in money for me and/or for a good cause, or by buying me interesting books, cool T-shirts, or alternatively audio or video files (only as digital files, for I lack the energy for pesky circular physical media), and naturally by sending me an appreciation note that you enjoyed them or found them of value. But I’m not forcing you to.

I’m using this licence for most of my photos (but not all of them), for some of my presentation material, and for some of my old code, or code that I find useful to dual-licence under it and the MIT/X11 licence.

The solver for the game ABC Path (by Otto Janko) is now available in the software section.

The XML-Grammar-Fiction homepage was improved with new content and some links to the similar efforts of Celtx and AsciiDoc.

There’s a new FAQ about the “EvilPHish” emblem in the top-left corner of this screen.

The technical talk “There are Too Many Ways to Do it” now contains notes in Hebrew which have been prepared in advance when giving it to the Tel Aviv Perl Mongers.

The main navigation menu on the left was revamped and converted to use JavaScript (which is not required to operate it). I’m planning to do further work on tweaking it in the near future. Moreover, there’s now a language switching widget on such pages as the “Ways to do it According to the Programming Languages of the World”.

Finally, I added some description of my psycho-medical condition to my Bio.

Hopefully, you enjoy these changes. More are upcoming.

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